I was NOT getting anything more than a laundry list of things and felt there wasn't enough sincerity in it. So, I wrote my own take on it. I wrote how losing a daughter could affect me. I imagined what it would be like, although only a parent who has buried a child can know this.
Anyway, here it is, my imaginative situation, thank God! But I wanted to share it with you:
I can still smell her perfume. Her hairbrush was left on my
sink. Her school work spills onto the
table.
Her presence seems
real although it isn’t. It is just a
fleeting feeling that she will walk through the doors and come home.
As I open the pantry, I find an empty box of pop tarts,
something she used to do. She would never
through away the box. I think her
pre-teen brain just got distracted easily.
Nonetheless, I would give anything to find another box next week but I
won’t, she is gone.
Her dirty socks spill from the laundry hamper in the
hallway, something she would get to “later” there was always a later, now there
is none.
I’ll never hear her pray for us at dinner anymore and laugh
because it was always a funny little prayer.
“And thank you Lord for little turdbucket,” a term of affection for our
chocolate standard poodle Ruger Silas.
There will be no more clanking of plates as she unloads the
dishwasher for me. Silence. She is gone.
The kittens remind me of her because she always loved to
hold them and tell me which one was her favorite which seemed to change a
lot.
The hallway on a Sunday morning is quiet, no clop clop of
her boots that she loved so much. Church
will be lonely without her sitting next to me.
My daughter is with Jesus today.
I can’t help but wonder if she sees me sitting there and is there with
me.
I will donate a few of her books and keep the ones that
remind me of her.
I decide to wait a bit before opening the door to her room
and then I brave it. Her sheets smell
like her and there’s a pre-teen girl innocence in the room. I feel as though my heart has been ripped
from my body and I cry out WHY WHY WHY!
I cannot go through her things yet. I wonder if I will ever be able to. Does the hurting ever end or does a mom just
learn how to manage the pain? I have
trouble even hearing her cat Oscar squeak his little “meow” in the
hallway. I feel like there is sadness in
his eyes too.
Forget going to Chad’s parent’s home, the ranch in
Karval. If it was hard to be there and
remember our dog Zeus, it will be next to impossible to be there anytime
soon. This is where our little girl
learned to ride a horse, learned to love her cousins, cows, everything farm and
ranch and even chores with Grandpa. He
is so devastated by the loss and no work is done. Aunt Nikki comes to feed his cows. Uncle Travis helps with anything else. Grandma Sandy has gone to Yuma, Co to be with
her twin sister because she wants to escape the memories if only for a little
while.
My next trip to Oklahoma will be alone without her and the
cheese fries at Eskimo Joes will not be the same. How does a parent just live with all of the
memories flooding their heart on a daily basis?
Children are NOT supposed to go before their parents. It is un-natural and just out of
balance. We are supposed to go first to
leave them on this earth to live their lives.
We are supposed to be the ones leaving behind the keepsakes and the
legacy. We are not supposed to out-live
our children. Why did this have to
happen? I ask God Why and I don’t get an
answer.
I just want one more day with her….just one more day. Can’t we just rewind? What did I do wrong? Why didn’t I see the dangers ahead? How could this have been prevented? Why?
Why? Why?
I slip back into extreme sobbing and expel enough tears that
I feel as if I will choke. I have a
thought for a second that if I did, and I did die too, would I be with her
again? Is heaven that close?
I cannot sleep, I cannot eat and I cannot feel anything
except complete and total numbness and sorrow.
She wasn’t supposed to DIE!!! She was supposed to live and
follow her dreams, marry a wonderful man and have a beautiful family, a privilege
I was blessed with.
I will never have the answers and I will never stop
searching for them. The peace I knew the
day before is gone. The peace I took for
granted has left. The peace I had with
my family is no more. It is gone and it
is done and I am forever changed because of it.
